Can you believe it's almost Thanksgiving? More so, can you believe we are about to enter the last month of this year?
I find that as I get older, every single time we get to Thanksgiving, I am blown away by how quickly the year is coming to an end.
Why does that happen?
I think that it may because the older we get the more aware of time we become. Because in all actuality time is moving at the same pace it was moving 20 years ago...but 20 years ago the thing that consumed my thoughts was the harsh realization that Santa Clause didn't exist.
And while I am still bummed that the North Pole is more than likely just an arctic tundra with no jolly fellows with elf friends and reindeer powered modes of transportation...it does not consume my thoughts anymore.
However what is consuming my thoughts is the sheer chaos and triumph that has been 2013. This year has been so full of people, experiences and magical happenings that I am utterly thankful for. And thus I've had one of the best years of my life.
I am so thankful for that.
It all just happened so fast.
I feel like I got swept up in the most wonderful, painful, scary, exciting and rewarding wave of my life and now I am standing on the shore looking out to sea and wondering how to jump back in and keep swimming.
Jumping back in is a little daunting though.
After my show...I was (and still am) filled with this new found vitality. I feel more myself than I have ever before. And that is an intoxicating feeling.
Now the feeling of invincibility that I am discovering...well, it's tricky. It has lead to some dangerous (read: naive) decisions. And it would be insincere of me to tell you that I didn't make some profoundly dangerous (read: super naive) decisions while I was trying to figure out how to jump back in.
You see, when my show ended I was inundated with the same two questions for a good week and a half.
What's your next project?
So do you think you will have sex now?
These questions don't bother me. Not really. But I didn't know how to answer them.
I am very accustomed to a having no clue on how to answer what my next project will be. It's the inevitable nature of the performer's life. This question is not unknown waters...I know exactly how to tread these waters.
The other question...well that was a new body of water for me...
And new is exciting.
However, I am not very accustomed to having to answer if I am ready to finally have sex. It's uncomfortable. It's a lot of pressure. This question is completely unknown territory for me and I know the answer for myself but there has been an overwhelming need to prove to myself that I have changed and that I'm not all talk and no action (pun only slightly intended) and I jumped in...hoping that everything I had discovered about myself was all I needed to keep my head above water.
As it turns out...jumping into the unknown to prove something to oneself or others, is no reason to jump into anything.
I jumped into waters that were attractive and misleading. I jumped into waters that were unkind and thoughtless. And I found myself washed up on shore, feeling confused, manipulated (by my misguided desire to prove something to myself and by those attractive, charming and manipulating waters) but also feeling glad that I knew when to get out before I let these waters take away things that were not theirs to take.
Sitting on the preverbal shore of my life...looking back on this month, this month of new found life, courage and confidence...this month of jumping into things that threatened my new hope, I can't help but think how great it would be if the only thing I was questioning was whether or not Santa Clause was real and not questioning myself.
Silly though it may sound...maybe where I was 20 years ago and where I am now aren't too terribly different.
20 years ago I didn't want to stop believing in magic.
Today I don't want to stop believing in magic.
But how do you sustain that magical feeling? How do you keep believing anything is possible when life goes astray?
I have no definitive answer except to say that I think it has a lot to do with trust, reflection and time.
Trusting that if you feel something and truly believe in something...then there is no need to prove anything because what you feel and believe are real and they are true.
Reflecting back on a a year that seems to have passed so quickly yet seeing just how far you can come within 12 short little months.
And time. Time to trust yourself. Time to reflect on everything you've done because you believed in possibility and you believed in yourself.
I definitely don't have all the answers. But I definitely know that life ebbs and flows in a really fascinating way. I definitely know that I believe in magic and that I am capable of creating it. I definitely know that no matter how banged up I am when I wash up on shore, I will always jump back in because I know that the next great wave is waiting for me to catch it and I won't miss it.
I used to wonder if I would tell my future kids about Santa Clause. After this year, I know that I will because I want them to know that magic exists and when they feel like they've lost it...I will tell them about that one time their mom caught a wave that showed her that you can always get it back...and that it still exists.