Friday, July 29, 2011

Floating Floaters.

I just spent 15 minutes trying to remember the password to this blog. I suppose that means that it's been awhile since last I logged in. That or my old age is taking it's toll on my memory. Perhaps both? Needless to say I remembered it and here we are. I meant to blog exactly one month ago because exactly one month ago was the one year anniversary Sexless in the Boroughs. But I forgot. So let me raise a glass to one year of being out of the old virgin closet and my half assed upkeep of the blog! Here's to you! Or me? Us? It doesn't matter, I'm not actually raising a glass, I'm just drinking Diet Dr. Pepper, in solitude, on a Friday night. Did I mention I am an old virgin?

Well I am...

Contain your shock.

Time flies though. Does it not? A year ago things were pretty different. I'm no longer a student and I no longer feel in control of my life. People have been calling this period of life my 'transition' phase, and I am here to tell you, I don't transition all.

This transition from student to 'real' person is kind of terrifying. Instead of easing myself into it, I've jumped right into the pool of the non-student world...except I forgot how to swim. And now that it's not everything I dreamed it would be I am desperately trying to swim to the ladder to pull myself back to safety...except I can't find the ladder. But the good news is, is that the people I love are throwing me floatation devices and kind thoughts and words, that are making it easier for me to tread water.

All that said, it's hard treading water when all you want to do is go back to the kiddy pool. Because you have to be a complete idiot to drown in a kiddy pool.

Are you tired of the pool metaphor yet?

But speaking of complete idiot...I accidentally dyed my hair black. I look jaded and angrier. It's really pleasant. Want to date me?

Before you say no let me explain...

If you know me, or if you've kept up with my past blog entries you will remember that I've chosen to be an actor, which qualifies me to be moderately to mildly and some days severely insane. For example, I've been out of school for two months and within those two months I've spent an ungodly amount of my time looking for a waitress job (a job that I would rather have my eyeballs spooned out of my head than do) and a multitude of auditions. I've auditioned to be an animated donut and some days I sit in line from 5am-3pm to not even be seen for an audition and I've been so poor that some days all I will eat is a can of soup, if that. And despite all of this, I'm still 100% sure it's all worth it and that it will all work out in a storybook kind of way.

Like I said...insane.

But I really do believe it will work out.

Why you say?

Well because if I needed a reason to give up, to throw in the proverbial towel, to wave my white flag and surrender the other day would have completely provided every reason to do so.

I was going out for an EPA audition. The way EPAs work is like this.

-If you are a member of the union you get a set time to audition. You show up. You audition.

-If you are a candidate for the union you show up early and get put on the candidate list and if they have room for you they see you. (which I am but when I got mugged my card was in the wallet that was stolen and the process of getting validated again has been stupid hard)

-If you are none of the above you show up and pray to god that there will be room for you after all the union members and all the candidates have been seen. (I fall into this category without my EMC card, DAMN YOU MUGGER!)

Got it? Yeah you're right it's the crappiest of crap shoots.


To ensure that I get high on the list I seat myself outside of the building where the auditions take place at 5am. Certain I would be the first in line you can imagine my surprise when I see an old man already camped outside of the building. Due to him being completely passed out asleep and pretty disheveled. I debated whether or not he was homeless but his 'Les Mis' tote settled the debate. So I sat next to him. He growled good morning to me. Pleasant. So there I am, sitting on the street with this strange old man and marveling at my life. The line starts to get longer as 8 am (when the actual building opens) approaches. Around 7 am Mr. Old McLesMislover starts making some pretty disturbing grunting noises. Just when I was about to ask him if he was having a heart attack, my nostrils became infected with a smell that could be deemed as... well I do I? He um...I'll just come out and say it. The man had to of pooped his pants. That or something unnatural happened within him. I just don't know. The point is I sat for an hour tolerating the smell this old man unleashed.

...if I am ever that old and in line on the streets of NYC and pooping my pants before my auditions, please shoot me. Please.

So the building opens and we are let in. Mr. Old McPooper then flashes his Equity card and is the first one seen that day (of course he is) and since he is Equity he can use the bathrooms in the building (maybe he forgot that?) but us non-equity folk must go to the McDonalds if we want to take the chance of leaving the auditions and missing our opportunity. So I wait...and wait...and wait until 3pm only to be sent home after being told all morning that I will more than likely be seen.

Hungry. Tired. Defeat.

Now, I've been on EPAs before but they didn't hurt as badly as this one. And I really think the fact that my old fecal friend got seen and I didn't is what hurt the most.

So naturally, after I went to McDonalds to pee, I went to Duane Reade and I bought a box of hair dye. Nothing gives you the sense of control over your life quite like a box of hair dye. I immediately went home coated my hair with the dye, washed it out and BAM! Black as the night. It was supposed to be dark brown. Black and brown...the theme of my day perhaps.

I straight up looked like a black widow with my black hair and red scalp. But I lack the conviction of a black widow and I did not go out and lure men into my web, have my way with them and then kill them...if only that cute British guy at the audition who asked for my phone number had called...has anyone seen my 'regret' list??

So right now is a time of paying my dues to the acting gods and learning how to transition into what is my ever so interesting life.

With that said, I will be modifying this blog a bit to chronicle my struggles and triumphs in all aspects of life and while being sexless is one aspect I need an outlet for my non-virgin related fiascoes. I promise I will try to keep the bodily functions of my fellow human stories to a minimum...mostly because I hope that it won't be a common theme in my day to day life. God willing.

I was thinking about changing the name of the blog to 'Eat, Cry, Mope' but I am going to think on it a little while longer, after all patience is a virtue...right? Totally.