Monday, April 22, 2013

The Care Bear Countdown.

When I was younger, I had no doubts that magic was real. I believed that bears with shamrocks and sunshine etched on their bellies were just as capable of saving the world as a group of teens with elemental rings that summoned Captain Planet.

Unfortunately as time passed my belief in things like these faded. With every tragedy, with every struggle that life dealt me it became all too easy to just resolve that life is hard and the only magic left in the world was the power of endurance.

Lately, all I have wanted to feel was the belief in magic again.

Now, as you know I am a bit of an enigma in our day and age. I had a conversation with a friend a couple of nights ago about the subject of my blog. He was generally perplexed as to how I could have possibly never had sex before. He went through a list of conclusions to be drawn as to why this could be so.

-I am bat shit crazy.
-I am super religous.
-I am waiting to fall in love.
-I am A-sexual.


We then discussed each thing he listed in detail.

Bat shit crazy. No, no I don't think I am. I think I am pretty grounded in reality and although I definitely have my eccentricities, I don't see myself ever slashing some dudes tires because he told me I was pretty and then didn't call the next day. I'm pretty easy going and a law abiding

He agreed. And since he's known me for a while now, I was comforted in his validation on this point.

Super religious. No. I grew up in the Bible Belt yes, but I have always had an inquistive and open minded nature and I didn't strap on any kind of Jesus Chastity belt...and unless some higher power is preparing me to give birth to the next Messiah without my consent or knowledge we can go ahead and rule this conclusion out right now.

He and I laughed.

Waiting to fall in love. I don't sit around and wait for things. It's not who I am. It's not what I do. I don't think falling in love and sex go hand in hand either. I think sometimes they of course do, but sitting around and waiting for an idea of what I maybe think love is or could be seems counterproductive. Too much pressure.

He and I agreed.

I'm A-Sexual. Haha, noooo. I am not. Not at all. I have a soft spot for watching documentaries and I recently watched a piece on the subject and I can safely assure you that I am not an A-Sexual. I go on dates guys...I swear. Not often but I do, do that kind of stuff.

He and I discussed my last dating disaster and laughed, again.

So after we sorted through all his theories I brought up my favorite theory of all.

When my friend Allison learned about my chaste ways she without missing a beat, blurted out with gusto...


This will ultimately go down as my favorite response ever.

It made me feel kinda cool. And guys, as an old virgin it can sometimes be hard to feel cool unless Tina Fey is on TV talking about how she was an old virgin I right, ladies?

But why not embrace being a damn mythical beast? Because now that I have, I feel some pretty strong magic welling up inside of me. I've got an interesting story to tell. I've got friends with infinite magic oozing out of them willing to help me tell my story. And maybe once I do share my full story I can make people feel a little less alone with the things that make them feel different and judged. Because we are all in this together. And just because magic isn't what I once thought it may be, it's still very real. We all have it within us, we just have to not be afraid of it and let it shine through us with confidence.

Basically what I am trying to say is that if I were a Care Bear, my belly would have a unicorn on it.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

After the Sneeze.

I was sitting on the train tonight and a lady sneezed.

Not breaking news or anything. Of course not even remotely unusual. But tonight it bothered me.

...not the sneezing.

But what happened afterwards...

It is a rare occasion that I won't say 'bless you' to someone if I witness a sneeze.

When I was a kid it felt like everyone always said 'bless you' after a sneeze and the sneezer always said 'thank you.' It was just what happened. It felt rude not to.

And as time went on and the older I got it seemed like no one ever said it anymore.

I was sitting on the train tonight and a lady sneezed and I said 'bless you.'

She then gave me the dirtiest look.

She looked at me as if I had just said something terrible about her mother. But I didn't. I said 'bless you.'

I almost instantly looked away in shame or shock (I can't tell) and I sat there and I wondered what had just happened.

Now, I am entirely used to people completely ignoring me when I salute their sneeze and I am always very surprised and delighted when people look up at me after releasing their nasal passages, with a smile and we share a little moment of wishing each other well.

But I've never experienced so dirty of a look before.

I sat there and I wondered why I even said it. Why do I keep saying it when no one else cares or not if you acknowledge the fact that they are sneezing? Do I just instinctively do it because I was raised to?

Maybe...I've honestly never thought about why I keep saying it before tonight.

Now, I'm the type of person who always gets stopped in the street and asked for directions or asked to take group pictures. I'm the type of person who if you are standing in a long line chances are if I am behind you or in front of you, we will end up talking. People who notice this quality about me generally say something along the lines of "it's because you seem nice."

I seem nice.

That's not a bad word. That's not a bad thing. But it's also not a specific word or a specific thing.

But I don't think it's the thing that makes these things happen.

We have so many opportunities to exclude ourselves from everyone around us. We put our headphones in and we rush off to our next destination lost in our own thoughts, worries and cares. We clutch our phones and surf the web, catch up with what's going on with people on Facebook and we rarely live in the 'now.' The very literal sense of the 'now.'

I use the term 'we' because I am very much including myself in those generalizations.

Tonight as I stood on the train platform waiting to go home I had a thousand things on my mind.

The train raced up to the platform as fast as the thoughts in my head. The doors opened. I sat down. I thought about how I miss my family. I thought about all the emails I have to send out. I thought about how I am going to need to buy new shampoo pretty soon. I thought about traveling. I thought about buying a dog. I thought about how I need a haircut. I thought about...

And then a lady sneezed and I said 'bless you.'

So tonight after a lot of thought, I've decided I will keep saying 'bless you' no matter if I am given a dirty look, if I am ignored or appreciated because it's an opportunity to check back in with the 'now' and wish another person, who may be sick, who may be feeling alone, who may be lost in thought, well. It's an opportunity to share a kindness.

And's nice. I really like nice.