With that said, I am going to completely contradict myself.
The other day it rained HARD in New York. I woke up and the rain was beating against my window and I grumbled rolled over and wished for some sunshine. April showers blah blah blah. But as I got ready for the day it was very apparent that the rain would only get worse. So I did what any smart New Yorker would do and I grabbed my umbrella and I endured. I am so valiant, I know. But as I was walking home that night and the rain and the wind were at their all time peak, I wished I didn't have an umbrella. I wanted to be a victim of circumstance, ill prepared, but still trudging along with a sense of humor. But I had an umbrella and I was a step ahead of circumstance.
Today I had a day off from work and headed into Manhattan to run some long overdue errands. As I was nearing Times Square the flood gates opened and down the rain fell.
I didn't have an umbrella.
I was livid.
I ran to an awning to wait it out.
(Enter Cracked Out Toothless Homeless Man STAGE RIGHT)
If you keep up with my blog then you are also more than aware of the fact that I am a target of most homeless men's interest.
I am generally very courteous to my haram of derelict and I give them change and dollar bills to appease them and maybe make them smile but today, I assure you, was not that day.
Something in me snapped.
This cracked out man immediately approached me and our interaction went along these lines:
"Gurl, you look good wet."
"What you don't speak English? Where you from ma?" he says as he naws at his apple. Naw being the opporative as he was missing almost all of his teeth.
"I am from here, I am just trying to ignore you." I said more politely than was nessascary.
"Oh I see you too good to talk to me." he responded as pieces of his lightly chewed apple fly at my face.
(cue shit hitting the fan)
"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" I said as I stormed off furiously into the rain.
As I walked with no destination in mind, the drops washed away the gross apple chunks that I was too afraid to touch with my hands and I cried a little. (Shut up)
I didn't fully understand why this interaction brought me to tears because I stood up for myself (in a way). I have recently realized that I don't often stand up for myself...and by often I mean ever. I am a people pleaser to a fault. It is maybe my greatest strength and my deepest weakness.
And while I was walking in the rain and crying (to ensure complete removal of homeless apple sauce) I realized that I was probably crying because I felt really badly about yelling at that poor man. His life is undoubtedly much worse than I could ever imagine life to be.
I get angry because I am caught without an umbrella.
He probably gets angry because he sleeps in the rain.
Who was I to not be kind and understanding of him?
And as this cycle of "Why I am a Bad Human" thoughts flooded my head...the rain stopped almost suddenly. I kept walking to my unknown destination and suddenly I felt a smile creep across my face. The smile turned into an almost laugh because when I stopped at a crosswalk I realized "I am upset because a homeless man told me I looked good wet and then spit apple in my face."
Perspective is a bitch.
Okay so what? I yelled at a homeless man who was bothering me. He probably gets yelled at a lot, especially if he can't keep his nasty comments and produce to himself. But I don't stick up for myself a lot and I did today. I was ill prepared but still trudging along with a sense of humor. AND the sun still came out.
Perspective + rain + crazy homeless men = progress.
I'll take it.