Thursday, February 23, 2012

Jumbled Thoughts and Cold Panties

Well I've removed all the feathers and I am now writing to you close to a month after I promised. I think you can maybe forgive me?...'you' being the all five of you that have patiently kept up with my inconsistent thoughts and empty promises.

Any poop... I won't spend paragraphs and time trying to catch you up on the happenings of my life...or maybe I will as I am not sure what direction I will be taking this entry. That, and I know how all of you are deeply wondering about my life's current status and happenings...




I was at a bar the other night and there was a girl who was the embodiment of wasted and she started to gush about how she has a blog that documents all of her sexual exploits and mishaps and that we should all read it...and then she said she had to go home and put her panties in her freezer...

It was much like looking into a fun house mirror at a carnival...when you are feeling fat and insecure...

And yet, here we are.

I've been resisting the urge to buy a plane, bus or train ticket all weekend. A plane ticket to Thailand, a bus ticket to Maine and a train ticket to Boston. I don't really know the rhyme or reason as to why the urge to travel is so strong or why these three places are on my radar but it is and they are. Perhaps I'm craving a less exciting and more self deprecating version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled...Escape, Hibernate, Drink. But I think it's mostly because I am starting to really realize that I am in charge of my life and my choices and I am craving the chance to make more choices and take as many unexpected turns as I possibly can, just to test the waters of life a bit more. I am also craving adventure.

I've recently come to realize that I let too many of my choices be influenced by other people's opinions. Case in point, when I joined OKCupid. You know...the free online dating website. My instincts told me that I wouldn't like it but I joined anyway. After countless messages from creepy men about my boobs and an exhausting amount of messages consisting of just 'hey' I found my instincts to be right on the money. But I did meet one person who captured my attention by asking me which Greek God I would want to cook me meatloaf and which muppet I would want to run a real estate firm with and while I am sure these are questions he asks all the ladies, I thought I would give him a chance and get some coffee with him since he asked.

Now, I hadn't been on a proper date in a while and I have absolutely never been on a blind Internet date before so I was quite nervous and uncomfortable. We decided to meet up at a small coffee shop in the Lower East Side. So I got there and no sign of my Greek Muppet Man. At first I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt since A) it was early and B) he picked the most inconvenient spot for a person who lives in Queens and a person who lives in Washington Heights to meet up at. But the Lower East Side makes everyone look so much cooler in the way that dimly lit rooms make everyone look more I understood, but once the 45 minutes late bell rang I was sent into the classic blind date panic. You know, the one where you are certain he stepped in, saw me, threw up a little in his mouth and quietly escaped unnoticed...maybe you don't know that panic...good for you.

Needless to say I left the Lower East Side that morning highly caffeinated and deeply rejected. Not a winning combination, if you were wondering.

The Greek Muppet Man texted me 2 hours later apologizing profusely because apparently he slept through his alarm while I was waiting for him in the coffee shop imagining how my life will be when I have 46 cats and have a wardrobe consisting solely of snuggies and adult diapers. I was pretty annoyed but mostly relieved, as you can imagine. He left me 3 voice messages apologizing and asking for another chance. My instincts told me to tell him to go jump off the nearest bridge but I was going against my instincts with this whole online dating experience already why should I start listening to them now?

So we met up later in the week for breakfast. The safest date meal if ever I heard...

And it turned out he was lovely. He held a conversation well...kept up with my sarcasm and even made me laugh...So I was happy that I took a risk and gave someone a chance...until he started to 'crazy girl' text me an hour after we parted ways and with each text he slowly chipped any interest I had in him away and slowly but surely that was the end of The Muppet Man and me.

And after another month of obscene and bleak messages from strangers I deleted my OKCupid account. Whether or not I gave Muppet Man or the site a fair chance doesn't matter because I wanted out.

So I don't like online dating and I have intimacy and commitment issues...slap my ass and call me an American.

I realize that I don't go about things in a typical fashion. I am aware that I need to take more risks in the romantic field but I want spontaneity, I want surprise. I don't want to be matched with someone on a computer's terms but on my own terms. And of course that's not to say I don't believe online dating is great for those whom it works for but I am not among those folks.

I don't want to do things because I feel like its what I should do. I lack certain experiences (read: old virgin) but instead of being so utterly confused and ashamed of it and worried that my images of life with cats, snuggies and adult diapers are rapidly becoming a reality, I need to embrace it as simply a part of who I am, and that yes, it makes me a little weird and it makes people view me a little differently and it may make them judge me but that's not my problem because you are who you are, you make the choices you make and you are in control of your own adventure.

My adventure.

It may be strange but it's mine.

So here is to making your own way through life. Here's to just not giving a flying fuck whether or not people think your way through life isn't right or that you're doing something wrong because you're doing something different than them.

I'm an old virgin. I have intimacy issues. I wear too many patterns at once. I am afraid of milk. I am a weird girl with lots of feelings and I love who I am and I am learning to be okay with other people not loving who I am....because it doesn't all.

Anyways I have to go plan a some trips and put my panties in the freezer. Catch ya later.