I know what you're thinking...
"It's been 6 months since Colleen blogged. That can only mean one thing...Colleen is probably not an old virgin anymore."
You're right. I'm not. I'm an oldER virgin now. I've turned 24 within those 6 months after all.
Ahhh yess...A lot has happened since last we spoke though. I've lost a bunch of weight, I've nearly completed my acting training, had a couple Chekhovian breakdowns and I've become a vegan...sorta.
Change. And lots of it. Some for the good and most for the confusing.
I'm still chaste though...yippppeee.
My life has been overwhelmingly chaotic these past months. Non-stop. Intense. Stressful. Full of joy. Full of tears. Full of feeeeellliinnngsss. Sooo many actory, self indulgent feeeeellings. It's been nuts and now here I am on the brink of being thrust upon the "real world" where most people don't cry everyday or roll around on the floor painting imaginary walls with open vowel sounds...a shame really.
I moved my life up to NYC two years ago, to train as an actor...and in two months those two years will be complete and the time to truly be what I am and do what I love will rest solely on my shoulders.
I feel in my heart an exhilarating excitement for what I can do, what I can become and what I'm capable of as an artist and as a person but my head is full of doubts and mistrusts that I carry with me from the past. And just recently I've come to realize that my head and my heart never truly see eye to eye.
My heart is full of these beautiful ideals. The world through my hearts eyes is a world where anything is possible, where it's okay to be in love, where wanting and needing are not signs of weakness but signs of humanity, where creation and art in all it's forms are the only riches you need to survive. A place where love is always enough...where it's always requited and it never hurts. My heart's world is ideal. Infinitely and beautifully ideal.
My head is full of these unnerving realities. The world through my head's eyes is a world where anything is possible for the "lucky few", where being in love just hurts, where letting people know that I desire affection and I need to be loved makes me feel like I've failed in some way, where creation and art are a quick way to poverty and insanity. A place where love is rarely enough. My head's world is wayyyy too "Debbie Downer" for it's own good.
I've been trapped in my head's perspective for the past couple of months. But I write to you today my lovely readers, to tell you that I want to start changing gears and look with my heart a bit more. To trust my heart. To be a little bit reckless with it. To stop my fears and my clever tricks from sweeping my heart under the perverbial rug of safety and security that I cling to so dearly. To stop only taking risks in my acting but to start taking them in my life.
There is a new chapter about to open up and in it I will say I love you with no regrets or apprehensions, I will step on a ledge and not care, I will paint the sky with sunbeams instead of clouds, I will trust the resiliance of my heart and as cliche as it may sound...I will listen to it.
We all have fears, we all have shame, we all have a lack of trust, we all hurt, we all try to rationalize the irrational but what makes us special is what's in our heart and what we do with it. Right?
How ideal of me.