Saturday, June 2, 2012

Silver Lined Barking Spiders.

My back hurts. That's something older people say right? Like, if you were to make a pie chart of people with bad backs, the majority of the pie would be the color gray, representing people in their 60's or 70's.

I'm 25.

I want pie.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided I wanted to get a massage. I needed someone to get rid of all the bad feelings I hold on ever so tightly in my shoulders, and maybe I just wanted to be touched? (What?)

So I went.

It was my first time (ha).

I was nervous when I walked in. I checked in and the woman at the desk asked me if I was comfortable with a male masseuse and without hesitation I replied with an nervous and seemingly desperate, "I prefer it." I am not quite sure why I said I preferred it as that would imply that I had experience in the field of massages, which I don't. Perhaps I was referencing my boyfriend who sees the tension build in my shoulders and gives me a massage without me ever needing to ask....

No that wasn't it...

Annnnyywayy...they took me back to the room, told me disrobe and Mr. Massage would be in shortly.

Naturally I got undressed as quickly as possible to avoid any accidental naked surprises and I jumped under the blanket and waited...

And waited...

Where was he??

About 10 minutes pass and finally he storms in the room and the show begins.

He started on my legs and then spent an uncomfortably long time on my butt (not that I'm complaining.) Mr. Massage finally moved up to my shoulders. He then warned me that he is going to increase pressure to get rid of all the knots in my back.

Now when he warned me about increasing pressure I didn't know how much pressure to expect and let me tell you guys...there was a lot of pressure...and by that I mean...

Mr. Massage FARTED the most epic fart known to man. I mean, if my hair were down I am certain it would have blown back.


I'll tell you what you do.

For the first few moments you get super uncomfortable and pretend that nothing happened. And then if the masseuse apologizes; as mine lose all self control and laugh so hard that you cry. And you will continue to laugh throughout the rest of your massage because you will of course replay the moment when your masseuse ripped ass and you will make the poor and already embarrassed man, feel terrible but you know what? He farted and that's funny so...

Sometimes life gives you exactly what you need when you least expect it.

Am I saying that what I needed in life was for a man to rub my back and fart with gusto?

Yep I sure am.

I needed to laugh with complete and total abandon. I completely and full heartedly NEEDED it. I needed that moment of ghastly (pun intended) surprise to remind me that life is funny. It's hard as hell, but it's mostly just ridiculous. Right?

Today my heart feels a bit banged up and it lays heavy in my chest but the memory of the way I felt when I laughed at my farting massage friend strangely gives me hope. Because I know I will laugh again and that this feeling I have today will gas...


1 comment:

  1. I am so glad I am the only one in the admin office today because I laughed a Thomas-style burst laugh in a super high pitch. This WOULD happen to you!