I know, it's been a coon's age!
But I am still here. If my intentions where more active I would have posted at least 25 more blogs since the last time I updated but you know...My intentions are most of the time just intentions, as I am sure you are now realizing.
Life has been weird lately. Weird is vague but I feel like the illusive nature of the word is ever so appropriate to describe how my life has been.
I don't know how to properly describe it. But let me try...
I've lost sight
Being happy now, while never losing the will to keep following the road of possibility and dreams.
Right now, I'm standing on the road of possibility and dreams and I am looking back too much. Trying to figure out how I got here and constantly forgetting to look forward at the road that is ahead of me.
It's kinda like walking backwards down the road that lies ahead and
I had an interesting moment that really made me realize this a couple of weeks ago.
I was at the gym, pumping iron. And by pumping iron, I do mean running on the treadmill while watching GIRLS on my IPad. After I finished my workout and my episode, I went back to the locker room and stripped down to a towel to prepare for my ever so coveted time in the sauna.
Now time for real talk. The women who frequent the gym and more specifically, use the suana, get butt ass naked. We're talking about women just walking around naked, drying their hair with their tits to the wind, having deep conversations with only towels wrapped around their wet showered hair. It's pretty much a National Geographic episode in there.
But they are so free and comfortable.
I am not.
I am that girl who wraps her towel around her fully clothed body so that I can undress without any kind of display of any part of my lady business.
But I have envied these brave naked women and wondered how they just dont care. How they know that no one cares at all that they are naked. Like, at all.
I wanted that.
So, on this particular day, I do my towel changing routine and decide to weigh myself. And as a naked woman stepped off the scale this toweled woman (me, incase your visual isn't clear) stepped on. And as I looked at the number I wondered about my towels. I wanted to stand on that scale and not have a towel on. Because these two small towels MUST weigh 10 lbs...each...right?
But I kept the towels on and headed to the sauna.
As I opened the door to the sauna I saw this girl. She was trying to exit the heat as I was on my way in and the look in her eyes was alarming.
Was she dying? Why wasn't she walking out? She's just standing there.
And before I knew it me and this girl got super close, as she promptly collapsed as I immediately dove in and caught her before she hit her head.
Oh man...I hope she's not dead.
"Ummm, okay okay...I am just gonna carry you over here. We gotta get you out of the sauna okay?"
No response. Obviously.
"Hey, hey can you hear me? Here's some water. Drink this water!"
No response. Panic.
At this moment I am holding her on the ground outside of the sauna trying to put a water bottle to her lifeless lips, when other women ran to help.
And then she woke up. She was confused. Very confused.
One would assume she was confused because she didn't know what happened or why she passed out. Which of course, is totally legitimate.
But I have a different theory.
I think she was confused because of all the naked women standing over her and why I was naked and holding her while she too was naked.
So. Much. Naked.
You see when she fell into my arms her towel also fell. But while I really wished that didnt happen, it would maybe seem insensitive to let her fall, cover her back up and then drag her out of the sauna...you know?
And while I was manuevering her out of the sauna, you bet your bare ass my towels didn't stay put either. But while I really wished that didn't happen, it would maybe seem insestive to push her off of me and cover back up...you know?
Like I said, she had all the reason in the world to be the most confused person in the building.
But she was gracious. She thanked me profusely and walked off a little embarassed. And I stood there.
And I didn't care. The others didn't so why should I?
I went back to the scale. I weighed myself with no towels. I got off the scale. Picked up my towels. Went back to the sauna. Layed my towels down on the bench and sat my naked ass down and I felt accomplished.
I did it. I became the naked locker room woman that I always wanted to be.
I was forced into something I strangely wanted but never had the courage to do on my own.
While there was a definite victory in this, there was also a definite realization.
That being, I find myself always passionate about who I want to be and what I want to do but I am in constant need to be forced into it.
I often times lack the courage to really commit. And I get stuck in the middle of the road, looking back and not moving forward. But for the first time in a long time, I think I am ready.
I am ready to risk it all for all of the things and people I love. I am ready to risk failure. I am ready to take a risk for positive change. I am ready to risk not being liked. I am ready to risk opening up about who I am and what makes me...well me.
It's time and BY GOD, I am ready.
(Editors Note: My towels didn't weigh 10lbs. That was just my thighs, unfortunately.)